end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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