An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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