I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
