my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
not ubering you a puppy
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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