Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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