Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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