I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
