Kareoke will never be a sober sport
you would pick up someone in the library
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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