I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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