My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
