The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
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Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
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I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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