I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
