I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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