Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
