For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
