I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
