maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
