yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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