Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
