I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
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I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
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ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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