i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Success! We fucked roommates!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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