Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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