I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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