Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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