I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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