Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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