i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
