while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
we're so committed to being not committed
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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