Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
