My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
