her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
