i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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