It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
