I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
