Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
