What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
