she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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