He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
