you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
