Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
