This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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