we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
