while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
