I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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