so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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