I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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