Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
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