So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
