So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
