You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
