theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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