If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
