took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
