Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
