I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
