have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
