New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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