just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
